Winephantoms Aunt-an Agony Aunt for all your wine problems!

Ooooh! I say!!?

Ooooh! he didn’t!

Here The Winephantoms Aunt will solve all your wine and life related problems. Leave them here on the page or e mail them to;

Dear Winephantom’s Aunt,

I travel quite alot and regularly with my work and my husband of 16 years works 200 yards from our house in his own small yet successful business. I had noticed recently a new PA to whom he seemed to be giving considerable of attention.

My jealousy and  suspicion got the better of me and I  decided to arrive home deliberately and unexpectedly early- and to my horror my worst fears were manifested!

To my utter repulsion on my dining table, there were two unfinished rare steaks, an unfinished bottle of my favorite Macon Chardonnay and items of male and female clothing strewn towards the bedroom from which sounds of rapture were emanating…

Stacey. (location with editor)


Dear Stacey

I share your Repulsion! even my pet dog knows that a Macon Chardonnay will be murdered by a rare fillet steak!

With a fillet steak I would suggest a mid range Bordeaux with grippy tannins and lots of fruit intensity ,Malbec with its depth and tannins would also suffice or something from the Northern Rhone.

I would suggest something, primarily red and quite robust with red meat.


Winephantoms Aunt.


Dear Winephantoms Aunt,                                                                May 2011

I am becoming a regular visitor to wine tasting events. After paying in I tend to neglect to swallow and end up enthusiastically drinking the first few wines and not being able to sample the rest of what’s on offer. I think it’s because I believe I will not get value for money.

Rob- Hilversum


Dear Rob,

Your concept of value for money is an issue I don’t think I have the time or qualification to address here. However your approach to a wine tasting can be helped.

Firstly you must consider each bottle of wine in the hall to have its own personality. Then you must think back to when you were a teenager at the disco. Was the first girl you spoke to, the girl you ended up walking home from the disco with? I think not!


A tasting event is really just speed dating for wines, try to take in a little sample of all the personalities in the room then return to the ones you most liked when the music slows down and it’s time to go home.



Dear Winephantoms Aunt

I am a touch overweight, truthfully I wasn’t feeling myself and overall had a lack of lust for life. I never thought I was overindulging until my Physician recommended some tests the results of which pointed to a troublesome liver.  It was then forcefully suggested that I cut my wine consumption by two thirds. If  I accept this recommendation not only will my social life and hobby be decimated but I would expect to become quite depressed.

What should I do?

Walt, LondonUK                                                                   April 2011

Dear Walt,

There is more to a man than his liver, no organ ever functioned alone. While I understand the medical prognosis I think you must take a holistic approach and do what is best for your whole self. In doing this I refer to the writings of Serge Gallet Rambault (1801-1862) who noted that:

a gentleman should always carry some excess poundage upon his girth, as that extra squeezing pressure on the clavicles of those honoured friends carrying his remains, on his last journey will remind them affectionately of how much he endeavoured to enjoy life to the full.”



Dear Winephantoms Aunt,

I have strong, well founded opinions on wines that are good and bad. In our household it is always me who chooses the wine and to date; successfully. Recently, my wife has started to attend wine evenings with her girlfriends and now is starting to question my choices and judgement. She has suggested that my wines need to be subjected to “organoleptic analysis”. What does this mean?

Tony, Gateshead

Dear Tony,

I can offer you two explanations; Maybe if you ask your wife she will help you figure out which is relevant

Organoleptic;  injuring a delicate and sensitive part of ones anatomy while jumping over something pointed

Source; “ Hyngleys guide to Lesser Primates” 1896


Organoleptic: being, affecting, or relating to qualities (as taste, color, odor, and feel) of a substance (as a food or drug) that stimulate the sense organs

: involving use of the sense organs, organoleptic evaluation of foods.

source; Merriman Webster


 Dear Winephantoms Aunt,

I love all things bubbles as I have done for many years now.  I get excited as soon as I hear the bottle opening!

My problem is that I seem to get just a bit too excited. I mean, I haven’t even finished my first glass yet I am giggling uncontrollably, getting loud and flirting voraciously.

I have checked the alcohol levels and they are often quite low, what is happening to me?

Kate, Surrey

Dear Kate,

Do not worry. Once everything is intact the next  morning, you’re absolutely fine! The following my help you deal with your issue!

Research has shown that there is a little known phenomenon, relating to a part of the prefrontal cortex of the brain, referred to as “le Cerveau Champenoise” (-The Champagne Brain,-) This area becomes enlarged in the frequent drinker of sparkling wines. It facilitates an up to 60% faster reaction time to popping sounds irrespective whether they come from the opening of a bottle or the back of a horse.


 PS; a brief reference to  Le Cerveau Champenoise can be found in Edmond Burnstone Hyngleys fine translation of “Le Vins Nobles et leur Incidence sur le Cerveau Humain “ 1906.


Dear Winephantoms Aunt                                                        7/12/’10

I’m really worried!

After a rather invigorating romantic encounter lubricated with lashings of Morgon I have awoken with a claret coloured rash on my private parts, what could this be?

Bobby, worried, Cardiff

Dear Bobby,

This is one of those names where I don’t know whether you’re a male or female Bobby so I’ll give both prognoses. Ladies first!

If you are a female Bobby, the vigour of your romantic encounter may be the cause or indeed you may have a mild allergy to one of Beaujolais best.

If you are a male Bobby congratulations, but next time don’t drink so much…… and you should really remember the colour of your dates lipstick!.


Dear Winephantoms Aunt                                            21/10/ ’10

  Despite my advancing age and a preference for career before romance, time has been good to me- my fairer skin kept me out of the sun and a penchant for inky south American Resveratrol loaded Merlot has fought off nasty free radicals meaning that today as I stand naked in my bathroom, considering my upcoming date (my first in 17 years), I can comfortably lie that I am 33 when my mantelpiece would have told you 3 weeks ago that I have past 40!

Well now I need a man! My figure is good I have a nice “personality” and I’m a good conversationalist but what is making me really nervous about this upcoming date is that I love my reds but I don’t want to stain my lovely (and rather expensive) pearly white smile. I rarely drink white wine and frankly don’t know what to do? If I order the wrong wine my date might not want to see me again.

Susan ,   Edinburgh

Dear Susan,

I appreciate your concern, ordering the wrong wine on a date can have catastrophic consequences. No doubt your girlfriends will suggest today’s default option –Pinot Grigio but your comprehensive presentation of yourself above indicates to me that the lucky Mr X  may smell a rat with such a choice.

Beware of Chardonnay! A buttery oaky chardy though easy to drink and conversation promoting is dangerous. Research undertaken by the little known French Philosopher and wine enthusiast Serge Gallet Rambault (1801-1862) concluded that a man who allows his female date to order Chardonnay on a first date will end up sleeping on the wet patch that night.

You can make your own mind up about that one! Myself,  being on the curvy side and having quite a long and chequered experience dating with wine….. I would urge you to abandon your fears and order a fine merlot as I can assure you that (if your description of yourself is accurate!) your teeth will be of little or no interest to him after a glass or two.



Dear Winephantoms Aunt,                                                 28/10/ ’10

I have been dating a really sweet guy recently. I really, really like him but he always seems to arrive to meet me directly from his work and well,… he tends to smell quite agricultural or in wine parlance “farmyardy”. It is starting to put me off him. I have tried drinking full, intense syrahs to mask the aromas but it’s not working, what should I do?

Wilma, Glasgow

Dear Wilma,

Oh Deary me! Forget the syrah honey and get yourself some pungent mid-aged Riesling. The hints of Diesel will charm your olfactory bulb and at least make him feel comfortable while you tackle the aromatics issues. If that fails, I suggest you check your search criteria on the dating agency website, you may have erroneously mixed up the word “mature” with “manure”.





2 Responses to Winephantoms Aunt-an Agony Aunt for all your wine problems!

  1. buck body says:

    dear winephantoms aunt

    I recently discovered a splendid wine in my local off licence and would like your opinion. Buckfast tonic wine as its known really is a tonic. After the first bottle I feel my confidence boosted and looking in the mirror i even look younger. The rejuvinating qualities extend to my whole body, after the second bottle, i found myself in front of the mirror in my underpants staring at my greek sculpted body. The old saying `less is more` may prove correct, after the third bottle time literally flew, as did I, straight off my back wall in to my neighbours garden where i woke up 8 hours later in their dog kennell. I would welcome your comments on this uplifting elixir and also any advice you may have regarding lawsuits from angry neighbours and the RSPCA for alleged beastiality.

    • winephantom says:

      Dear buck body ,
      address not given but the following could only happen in 3 places in the whole world, Galway, Limerick or Glasgow.

      I hear your pain honey!…. as a young Gender Studies and Sociology undergraduate many years ago I too had my Buckfast moment! I remember it vividly, the hallucinations; 4 naked girls brandishing burning crucifixs on white horses, chasing me across a green meadow to the music of Garth Brooks, it was terrible!
      I suggest you try bathing in the buckfast, your psoriasis will clear up but it might not be enough to cure the one eye in the middle of your forehead. If bathinfg doesn’t help …well I look forward to seen you on TV– in an appropiate documentary!!


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